May 18, 2010
Do Not Pass Me By: How I learned to love my gay, Christian self.
Yesterday, I received an e-mail from one of my followers on Twitter. She comes from a religious background, has a very religious family, and is attracted to women. She told me her story and asked me a series of questions: What should I do? How have things been for you since you came out? How did you get to the place where you could believe God didn’t want to send you to Hell? Are you 100% out wherever you go? Are you well-received at church?
The e-mail really made me take a step back & look at myself more closely. Primarily because I didn’t realize anyone was actually paying attention to me on Twitter, but also because I wanted to be careful in my response. I remembered being in her shoes & how much a Christian gay person (who didn’t hate herself) could have helped me back then. So I took a deep breath, waited several hours, then wrote this response:
First off, I just wanna say that I’m amazed & humbled that you would even come to me with something like this. I know that I usually tweet about nothing at all, so I’m glad someone is paying attention when I talk about things that actually matter.
I know what it’s like to have a super-religious family. I have been out since high school, but not to everyone. Only my friends knew at first, and over the years I’ve told more people (and been outed a fair number of times, too). I didn’t tell my mother until Thanksgiving 2008, although I’m sure she already knew or suspected. But my biggest fear would be that I’d lose her, and I didn’t. I was also NOT financially dependent on [my family] in any way, and I know that may be a concern of yours. I can’t tell you what to do, but if I were you I would probably wait until I was financially independent before coming out. Coming out is important, but not as important as having a roof over your head. And although I suspect that your mom will react like mine, I don’t know that for sure & I’d hate for something bad to happen to you.
It took several years for me to get to a place where I believe that God loves me regardless, and that was essentially because I could not understand why (and refused to believe that) God would create me only to send me to hell. I grew up with a totally “normal” childhood, in a two-parent home. My mother is a speech pathologist & my dad was a lawyer-turned-chemist, we were in church every single Sunday & Wednesday, I didn’t grow up around any gay people or even know what “gay” was, I was never molested or raped, nothing traumatic ever happened during my childhood…and I still turned out gay. None of the things that the right-wing talking heads say “causes” homosexuality happened to me…and I still turned out gay. I can’t explain everything the Bible says (I’d love to be able to read it in Hebrew & see what all was lost/changed in translation) but I know two things: 1) The Bible was written by man & 2) I believe in God & know that He loves me.
I’m not [her denomination of Christianity] (I grew up non-denominational, now I’m Church of Christ), but I definitely know about their attitude towards gay people. It’s the same as most other churches, including mine. I’m out at church because I just don’t care whether people know, and although I know most of the congregation would not approve, they still love & embrace me. I’m not the only out gay person at church (there’s one other lesbian, although she has a baby) and people treat her just fine. Which is how I think it oughta be. Jesus wouldn’t shun ANYONE who wants to come to church, and anyone who makes you feel unwelcome there is not “walking the walk”. It really blows my mind how homophobic the church can be, especially knowing they don’t treat other “sins” that way. There are so many unmarried people in my church who are having sex, or who have had children out of wedlock. What makes them more worthy of salvation than me? Nothing.
I know there will be people who take issue with me for saying “the Bible was written by man”. I know there will be people who will try to tell me how I’m wrong. I know there will be people who will to make me feel like I should be ashamed of who I am. I once heard a preacher say that he wished gay people would get back in the closet & that someone would break off the doorknob because there were entirely too many of “them” out here “flaunting” it. Yes, I’m flaunting it. I’m proud of who I am & glad that God made me. What’s not to flaunt?
My prayers go out to all the Christians (young & old) who are struggling to reconcile their religious beliefs with their sexuality. I can’t say that my way will work for you, but I hope that by sharing my story, you feel a little less alone.
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