Archive for the “EI” Category

On Twitter:



1. Do not ask people to follow you. Thirsty bitches, it’s not that damn serious! On the same note, do not sweat people for unfollowing you. Everybody ain’t meant to be together on the internet.
2. Do not re-tweet every @ reply you receive. That’s boring as fuck. I don’t care if you and your roommate are trying to decide between tuna salad and chicken salad for your best friend’s baby shower.
3. Do not send me links to check out your mixtape. I really can’t help you. No, really.
4. Locked profiles are tools of Satan. I can’t see the @ replies you send me and I can’t check out your timeline to see whether I’d like to follow you. So then you think I’m being bougie and ignoring your shit when I actually can’t see it. Unlock your account, please.
5. If you don’t like anything about how a person uses their Twitter (like frequency or content), so much so that you feel compelled to speak on it, just save everybody’s time and nerves by unfollowing that person. I crack up everytime someone announces that they’re unfollowing me. I don’t give a good goddamn what you do! Just keep it pushin.
6. Don’t say something over Twitter that you don’t want broadcast in re-tweets. Use direct messages instead.
7. “Twitter after dark” and all related twitter themes are lame as fuck. Either be horny while the sun is up and Oprah is on or skip it.
8. Don’t ask me to ask someone else to follow you. Again, not that serious.
9. Get off these celebrities’ nipples. If anything, Twitter should have taught you by now that these are some regular motherfuckers.
10. Don’t Twitter while drunk. I’m still working on this one myself. It’s fun as shit while you doin it but afterward, you re-read that shit and feel like Linda Hogan.

What did I miss? Hit me up here or on my Twitter.

Let’s make this short and sweet, cuz a bitch got a real job.

I’m so damn tired of these rich niggas fucking up and blaming everybody but they damn selves. If you are 31 years old, a Super Bowl-winning professional athlete, black millionaire, you damn near sittin on top of the world. Fuck it up for what? I shed no tears for Plaxico Burress.

“This was not an intentional criminal act. In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment. ” – Benjamin Brafman, Plaxico Burress’ attorney

Chris Brown’s sentence was harsher than average, too.

Not as harsh as that blouse, but still. Don’t beat up women & you won’t have to worry about a felony.

It’s niggas out here going to jail for real injustices. Fucking Mike Vick had to go to prison behind some damn dogs, don’t get me started….We’ll see you in 18 to 24, Plax.

I already told y’all how not to act on Facebook, but some of you need the visual. If you see yourself in this video please log the hell off of life until you can get your shit together.

Yes, I edited the picture in MS Paint. You mad? Feel free to purchase Photoshop for me. Thanks boos!

I realize that several of you are just now really getting into the internet, and are becoming more and more active on social networking sites like Facebook. And as a rookie, you make a lot of mistakes. A LOT. I’m here to point out where you’re going wrong and try to steer you in the right direction. Because really, otherwise people are gonna start clicking on the “Hide” button when they see your name.

The Four Standards of Facebook that Everyone Needs To Follow

1. We do not need to know everything.

I know. You are SO SUPER EXCITED because Facebook is now open to everyone, and you’re finding everybody you ever went to school with, ever. That’s good! The entire point of FB is to meet and reconnect with people. But I don’t ever again want to see a FB status update that says:

* Ashley is about to go have sex. IMMA TAKE THAT D LIKE A REAL NIGGA!

* Brianna just took a huge dump. I think I weigh like five pounds less now!

* Shamar woke up in the middle of the night and my dick was hard.

* Justin is substitute teaching at a middle school today & some of these seventh-graders are finer than a mothafucka.

Et cetera. Facebook does not need to know everything. People, please remember your couth and your class before you log on. We want to know (or, we don’t mind knowing) that you took your kid to the park, or that you’re gonna kick it with your best friends in Orlando this weekend, or that you are requesting the prayers of the righteous to help you pass your Anatomy final on Thursday. We DO NOT NEED TO KNOW anything, anything, ANYTHING that involves sexual relations or bodily waste. Please just keep it to yourself and PROOFREAD EVERYTHING. Rule of thumb: If you would be embarrassed for your mama to see it, don’t write it.

2. Be careful who you add.

When Facebook launched the “People You May Know” tool, I knew that little good would come of it. Basically, the program finds people with whom you have mutual friends, and suggests that you might want to “friend” that person, too. Sometimes, this is helpful, like when your chemistry lab partner from high school got married but changed her last name & you didn’t know it was her until you saw that the two of you had 23 friends in common. But more often than not, the People You May Know tool is abused by those who are overenthusiastic about being on the internet. Do not add people that you do not actually know. I repeat, DO NOT ADD PEOPLE THAT YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY KNOW. Unless you are adding people that you “know” from another site like Crunk & Disorderly, BlackPlanet (you bet not still be on BP) or LiveJournal, the rule is set in concrete. This is hella uncomfortable for the other person, who is now thinking “Shit. Who the hell is Georgia Anderson? Did I go to school with her? We know a couple of the same people…shit. I don’t remember this ho at all!” and then has to decide whether to take the chance and add you anyway, only to delete you a few weeks later when it becomes really fucking obvious that the two of you don’t know each other. Just don’t do it. The same goes for suggesting friends – only suggest people that your friends actually know.

3. The Relationship Status is not your friend.

You are soooo super hype about your boyfriend. YAY! If I had a boyfriend (…stop laughing, assholes), I’d be excited too! All of your status updates are about the cutesy shit that y’all do together and it is all just so nauseating and precious. Love it. But please be careful when you change that relationship status and add his name to your profile. Because that little clicky-name causes a lot of drama. All the people you used to mess around with suddenly know exactly who your new dude is, and you WILL receive feedback from people. Some will be well-intentioned (“Girl, he gave me herpes”) and some will not (“I heard he had a little dick and is best friends with the doctor who killed Michael Jackson”). But you will never face more potential drama than the shit that will go down when the two of you break up (and face it, 99% of you WILL break up) and suddenly his name is no longer there.

Most people will have the tact to not address the issue directly on your wall, but please believe that texts will be sent, Facebook chats will be activated, and even Honesty Box messages will be traded back and forth, discussing when y’all broke up, and why, and whether it’s because he gave Sharon herpes, and a bunch of other shit that niggas just made up for the purpose of spreading rumors. That goes double if most of your “friends” know your boyfriend outside of the internet. So do yourself a favor and change your status, but avoid adding his name unless you are engaged (WITH A RING. YOU MUST HAVE A RING) or married. And never, ever use “it’s complicated.” That shit is there JUST to start drama, it serves no other purpose.

4. Learn to use privacy settings/STOP PUBLISHING EVERY FUCKING THING

One of the absolute best features about Facebook is that you can limit just about everything to just about anyone. This is amazingly useful if your boss is on Facebook – you can set your profile so that only your friends can see it, or if she’s already your friend, you can change your settings so that she can’t see your status, notes, or anything else that might give away the fact that you were not sick on Friday but actually partying in Dallas & doing body shots off a midget stripper. Or maybe your kid brother just joined FB and you would rather he NOT see the pictures your friends tagged of you, drunk as shit, making out with some girl who is missing her front teeth. So please get further acquainted with your privacy settings and keep your personal and professional relationships working the way they should.

And for the love of Beyoncé…stop publishing shit. Nothing will get you “hidden” faster. The occasional quiz result or note is great, but if you spend all morning playing Sorority Life and taking quizzes like “Are You Good At Sex?” or “Which Weezy Lyric are you?”, please have the decency to keep that shit confined to your profile where the people who are actually interested in your ass can go look at it. When you complete the quiz or game or what-the-hell-ever, and the little box pops up and asks if you want to “publish” or “skip”, bitch, PLEASE start pressing skip. Please. If you flood a person’s News Feed often enough, you will get “hidden”, and your halfway-important updates will be lost in the abyss. And last but not least, keep your number of status updates under control, too – any more than five per day and you need to get yourself a fucking Twitter.